“You loved her” he taunted jokingly…I looked at him and burst into tears. For years I had been saying she was more obsession that anything. He always taunted me when she came up joking about how much I was in love with her. It was in that moment I finally realised, he was right.
It has been at least a decade since I had even seen her in passing. Finally out. Finally getting used to saying “I’m a Lesbian”. But years of ignoring it. 15 years of marriage. 17 years with a man. 32 years of pushing it all down. And there on my bedroom floor at 2am I was crying about the first woman I loved and had only just now realised it.
I thought I was gay before I met Ryan. Then I met him and fell in love. It was a very confusing time. He was the first person I ever came out to. Except I came out as bi…because obviously I was now with a man, but attracted to women, I must be bi….right? The word never sat well with me. In later years I would joke about being the lesbian in love with a man…who’s laughing now? My one caveat in our relationship (which is ridiculous I probably had a billion rules) was that it was open and I be allowed to sleep with other women. After all I was just 17, “lost my virginity” (a social construct I no longer believe in), was pregnant and planning on spending my life with him. If not now, when?
She lived next door. Since she had moved in I had taken to sitting at the window watching her come and go. There was just something about her. She wasn’t traditionally “beautiful” or “sexy”…but oh boy…to me she was. I still have her laugh drilled into my brain. It still makes my heart melt. When we realised her boyfriend was Ryan’s old school friend we became friends. I wanted her around all the time. I was totally addicted to her. One night we got a babysitter and went out to a club and did what young people do – get drunk, sexy dance on each other and go home and have a foursome.
I am sitting here feeling all kinds of things as I remember how soft her lips were and how soft everything was and how beautiful she was and how amazing she sounded when she came.
They still spent a lot of time with us but it looked like nothing was going to happen again. But then we were both pregnant….and horny. We would slip off whenever we could. But toward the end of the pregnancy they moved into their own place and we seemed to have drifted apart. At this point I am still convinced it was just addiction. I thought it was over and moved on. I had a wedding to plan and two babies to look after and life was busy.
Not long after we were married we ran into them and we decided a catch up was necessary. We had a BBQ and some drinks and the kids played. She stated flirting with me. At first I wasn’t sure that’s what it was…but then she sat on my lap. And brushed my hair back gently. And whispered in my ear “I’ve missed you”.
I had to take a break here and have a bit of a cry. Now that the memories have come back with the feelings I actually had at the time it can be pretty intense. I really thought the hardest part was going to be coming out…but it’s not.
Before I knew it we were back to hanging out all the time. She flirted and was constantly touching my hand or brushing my hair away and generally driving me crazy. She always left me wanting more. By now I started to have thoughts. These are the ones I pushed down. I didn’t just want her in my bed, I wanted her in every way. If she had asked me I would have ran away with her. I had fallen head over heels in love with her. I thought about her every second of the day. I fell asleep at night thinking about her. All I wanted to do was hold her hand and tell her I loved her.
One night we went out clubbing while Ryan was working and my wee ones were at my mums and her boyfriend was at home with their son. I have photos from earlier in the evening when she came to my place for a few drinks first. I don’t even need to go find to box of actual photos taken on film with a real camera to see the picture clearly. She is leaning in close to me with a huge flirty smile. She oozed sexuality and made you feel like you were the only one in the room.
I don’t remember exactly what happened as I was extremely drunk…but I was on the verge of telling her I loved her. Then we got into a fight. I left and went home. Crying the whole way. Not long after I got home a taxi pulled up and she got out. before she was even in the door she was kissing me. Stumbling over toys in the hall way we made it to my bed. I thought I had died and gone to heaven.She was finally all mine…then she asked me to call Ryan and get him to join us. I did. He did. They did. Eventually I left the room. When I have told the story before I say I got bored and made a sandwich. Really, my heart was breaking because I knew she would never want it to be just me and her. That there would be no hand holding or waking up in the morning together. She wasn’t going to run away with me. Love was not on her mind. I went to the kitchen and cried quietly until it sounded like they were finally done. She came and kissed me goodbye, tasting of him, and left.
I never really heard from her again. They left town and then so did we. A few years later I ran into her when I was back in town visiting my mum. Of course I would have recognised her anywhere. I heard her laugh and my head whipped around. She was surround by a small army of little ones. We made some small talk and she showed off a huge rock of a ring her new husband had given her. She didn’t flirt with me. She barely smiled. It felt like she was looking straight through me. Thankfully we had to run for a bus with our small army of children. I was distracted enough to not have to feel.
As we settled the kids into the long bus trip he looked at me and grinned, taunting me again “you still totally love her”…