I decided to start to document some of my adventures in tying to lesbian (and my epic fails) with a few tweets with the hashtag #adventuresintryingtolesbian a year or so ago which started when I tried to flirt, for the first time since coming out, with the gorgeous kebab shop lady…which failed epically. But that’s not where my story begins.
Just before my 33rd birthday I sent my BFF a text “I think I’m gay” quickly followed by one saying “Now I have said it out loud…I am gay”. I lived with my husband. We had split years ago but lived together as neither of us could bare the thought of living without our 4 daughters who are now all teenagers (and one no longer a daughter). Despite everything, we were family and that was never going to change.
There I was, after 32+ years of being scared to say it, telling my ex “I’m a lesbian”.He wasn’t surprised. In fact no one was. Not even my 85yo catholic nana her response was “It’s not that surprising”. If everyone else know…why did no one tell me?
I told a few friends. Then slowly other people. It was when I decided I was ready to date that it was time to tell the kids before they saw it on social media somewhere. They gave zero fucks and the younger three were keen to get back to their video games, but my eldest, finding and opening in a difficult conversation, announced she was bi. I cried and hugged her and suggested we throw a huge rainbow coming out party…which she declined while backing away slowly.
It wasn’t all sunshine and roses and pride flags and glitter. I did have one “friend” who called me a pervert and asked me to stop commenting on her sons baby photos. And a few became awkward with me hugging them which made me sad. Things with my nana went south after I thought her seemingly being ok with me being gay meant she had also changed her status on gay marriage.
So here I am, just over 2 years after I told my kids and then the world. Single. Trying to figure out online dating (because I literally have no idea how you know if someone is gay without asking). Having zero understanding of the culture. Not fitting in anywhere. Still living at home with my (still technically) husband and our babies. I don’t like cats. You would never catch me in a beanie or snap back. I don’t own a single piece of flannel (unless you count my vintage pendleton tartan wool cape…). I haven’t watched OITNB. I don’t even know who Tegan & Sarah are…i really should just google it. And the last time I played softball I ended up with a dislocated jaw.
How the hell do I figure it all out?